


Secrets

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, tw: brief mentions of a stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24806203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: It's meant to be a secret but after a horrific call whilst on shift, Chimney doesn't know how to keep it in any longer.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Kudos: 12
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	Secrets

He hates how easy it was for his excitement to turn into complete anxiety.

That morning, when he left the apartment, he had kissed his pregnant girlfriend goodbye with a massive grin on his face, preparing himself for yet another day of trying to hold in his happiness. They just had to wait another week, just until she was twelve-weeks along and they decided they would tell the people who mattered to them first.

Now, all he could think about was that Maddie was pregnant and there were a thousand things that could go wrong. He hadn’t allowed himself to go through the worst before, trying to tell himself that both he and Maddie had been through enough, they deserved something good to happen. Now, all he could think about was how he and Maddie had been through hell and back, it would only make sense another obstacle would be thrown their way.

Chimney’s chest is tight as he looks down at his phone, pulling up the photograph he had taken of their scan, just so he could have something to look at in the hardest moments. Their baby didn’t look much like a baby but he still loved him or her as though they were already in the world. He had already thought about a million different scenarios on life as a parent.

But now, two people, younger than both he and Maddie, would be going home without their baby that night.

It feels as though he’s right back outside Maddie’s apartment and Doug has just plunged a knife into his stomach. Only this time, it’s twisting, and twisting. His hands are shaking until he drops his phone and lets out a small sob. It was just a routine birth, everything had gone so well but the baby wasn’t breathing. He had watched as Hen tried everything she could, the desperation on her face so clear as he just stood by and comforted the mother, to no avail.

It was the scream, that devastating, piercing scream from the woman that reverberated through his entire body. That was what he could remember the most, that was what would haunt him.

Maddie. His Maddie. He didn’t want to see her go through anymore pain. He didn’t want to hear her cry like that, he didn’t want to have to hold her as she cried, he didn’t want to have to try and stay strong as he tried to tell Maddie everything would be okay, knowing it wasn’t.

The excitement was gone.

Losing their baby was just one of a thousand different scenarios, each one ending with him or him and Maddie completely broken, more so than they had ever been in their lives. There was just simply… too much that could go wrong. How could he have ever thought he would be ready to embrace fatherhood? He wasn’t even sure he could handle the remaining six and a bit months of the pregnancy, knowing it could so easily end in them going home empty handed.

That was it, that thought was enough to cause him to go running to the waste basket in the corner of the room, throwing up the contents of his lunch as he sobbed. He needed Maddie, he needed her but he couldn’t have her, he couldn’t tell her the thoughts running through his head. Terrified she would be angry at him for tempting fate, but equally terrified she would start having the exact same thoughts. She was glowing when he left her, rambling about how excited she was to tell Buck as she scrolled through Uncle gifts on her phone.

No, he needed to keep his thoughts to himself. He needs to be strong, he needs to at least appear as though he can be a good dad, a good boyfriend. He needs to force down his anxiety, he needs to…

“Chim? Are you in there?” He jumps when he hears a knock on the door, followed quickly by the voice of his best friend and fuck, she can’t see him like this. It’s a devastating loss, and he had seen it in Eddie’s, Bobby’s and Hen’s faces but he can’t think of any logical reason for why he would lock himself away.

“Y-yeah, just give me a second, think I caught that bug Maddie had.” It’s all he can think of, knowing he can’t get away from his pale face, and the stench of vomit that fills the air of the office he had locked himself in.

“Why didn’t you go to the bathroom?” He can hear the suspicion in her tone, and he knows if it were her in the locked room, he’d feel the same.

Shit. “Didn’t think I would make it on time, I was right.” He does his best sheepish expression when he moves to unlock the door, forcing his anxiety down as best he can when he comes face to face with the woman who would probably understand. He can’t tell her yet, he promised Maddie, but the moment she’s looking at him with a sympathetic smile, he feels his resolve crumbling, before he sobs, “Maddie’s pregnant.”


End file.
